A lot has changed since my last blog

I finally graduated with a Master's in Social Work! One of my dreams (graduating with a MSW) came true despite the many obstacles I had to overcome while attempting to complete graduate school from sleepless nights to juggling motherhood. I did not want my son to feel neglected. It was very difficult especially because we co-slept at the time and he would constantly wake up whenever he did not feel me by his side. He would walk over to my laptop and say, "Mommy, come mimi's with me". This made graduate school 1000 X's harder for me. My parents were my biggest support system and I'll be forever grateful because I wouldn't be where I am right now if it weren't for them. I decided to blog again because I want to continue making an impact. I'm not sure how many people will actually read this or if anyone will, but God has really placed this in my heart as I continue to ask him, "In what ways can I impact bereaved parents/family members, single mothers, divorced mothers, and anyone in need of comforting words". They say only those who have lost a loved one or truly experienced the traumatic event truly know the pain. This might sound out of the norm, but I'm very passionate when it comes to the topics of grief and death and just hearing others talk about their loss, mentioning their loved ones name, and how much of an impact that's had on their life. It's been 5 years since my daughter passed away and life has gotten easier. This does not mean I no longer have any obstacles. I've had way too many obstacles from graduate school, marital problems that led to divorce, financial problems, emotional instability, etc. The list goes on, but I'm not here to discuss my problems I am here to let you and others know that YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. Regardless of the amount of obstacles you've had to overcome in order to be where you are at the moment, you are here right now and there's a purpose. At the moment of difficulty, it might be very hard to see the positive side of things, but DON'T GIVE UP. I promise things will get better, no matter how hard things may seem at the moment, it will pass. Life isn't always easy. I learned the hard way, I wish I would've known this sooner. I wish someone would've shared this with me and this is why I want to share my blog with you. I will discuss other important topics such as the effects of divorce, the things others don't tell you about pregnancy, breastfeeding, co-parenting, faith, etc.

In Honor of Kaylen Faith I will IMPACT LIVES!

You are not a lone, regardless of the difficult situation you are in I want you to know that you are not a lone. I lost a child too. I am divorced too. I was homeless too. My grief may not be the same as yours. We all grief and cope differently. I like to journal and write down my feelings/thoughts/epiphanies. I wrote a lot of short poems and Haikus in memory of my daughter, but I know that this is not everyone's way of coping. Don't lose hope, things will get better. 

I've finally come into realization of "traumatic growth". I've learned to view my loss as a positive impact in my life. I've grown in several ways (spiritually, mentally, emotionally) ever since Kaylen Faith passed. I've learned to get out of my comfort zone and reach out to my loved one's when a loved one has passed whether it's a grandmother, grandfather, mother, father, or child like myself. I know God chose me so that I can bring light into the lives of others during their time of darkness. I want to empower grieving individuals especially during this time of major tragedies occurring around the world such as hurricanes, fires, Las Vegas shooting, etc. 

"Sheryl Stiles, the mother of an off-duty Las Vegas police officer who was killed during the shooting dies the weekend of her son's funeral due to a heart attack according to CNN. Her brother stated she wasn't doing well emotionally (Seraaj & Zdanowicz, 2017)." It's in times of darkness that we need to reach out to others. Sheryl needed a loved one to comfort her during her time of need. Don't wait for your best friend/sister/loved one to seek you when you know she's going through a difficult time in her/his life. It is your duty to call or text them and just "be there" for them. I'm saying this through experience. No one tells us how to cope after a death, it's not something we learn in school. We may have learned about the stages of grief in school, but no model will define your "grief" your grief is unique. Only you know the amount of pain, denial, anger, and/or depression you feel after losing a loved one. There is no time limit for grief, no instruction manual on how to grief, we just learn to cope with the loss. My goal is to instill hope by sharing how I have found peace and happiness in my own life despite unforeseen circumstances. 

OC Walk to Remember & CHOC walk

Today has been a day in which I've thought about my angel the whole day! In the morning I attended an event held by the oc walk to remember in honor of moms & grandma's that have lost a child/ grandchild. I really enjoyed it because I not only got my nails, hair, make up done for free but I also got to interact with other mothers. Sometimes I feel like I'm in this a lone. Like I'm the only one that has lost a child since no one else in my family or close to me has lost a child so they can't relate to my pain. It's hard discussing death, but as time has passed I feel a lot more comfortable. I can actually say I have an angel in heaven, my daughter! Without shedding a tear & putting a smile instead. Is it hard? It's not hard smiling, it's just hard smiling without the one I love. I finally felt comfortable sharing Kaylen's stories with other mothers & I didn't feel a lone in this walk as other mothers opened up & shared their stories with me as well. Today has been an amazing day! After this event I worked for a few hours then headed to a meeting for the CHOC walk which I also do in memory of my angel bc that's the hospital that took care of us for 2 beautiful months! I got a few posters & brochures to give out so others can join us on this event & spread the word around! I'm very excited to walk these walks in memory of my baby Kaylen Faith Morales. I'm going to walk the steps she never did on Earth every year with my family until I die even if they have to push me on a wheelchair once I'm old. I miss you Kaylen! You are my everything! Until the day we meet again my angelical princess! Thank you Lord for this strength, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you! 

Labor Day

It was on this day that we held you alive in our arms for the last time. I perfectly remember Labor Day of 2012, my family & my husband's got together for a carne asada at my parents house. This morning I noticed something different about you (Kaylen) you weren't moving as much, you weren't smiling as often, I felt you weaker, you were sleepier & like something was wrong. If you're a mother you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's a motherly instinct. I wanted to call Choc to ask but I asked my mother & she said I would sleep a lot too, I was still worried but I didn't want to think of anything negative. I asked my mother in law & she said she looked fine. This was a moment where I shouldn't have listened to what they told me but follow my own instincts & take my baby to Choc right away! I guess I was in denial, it's very easy to be in denial when you don't want to face the truth & think that your baby dying any moment. I thought to myself, "she survived both surgeries already, she's fine, she already went through the hard part". Oh boy was I wrong! we still enjoyed this day, we all held her, I bathed her & kissed her so many times. 

Here's the hard part: her last breath. I haven't told a lot of people how she died, but here it goes. I'm ready to share this with you.

It was around 9pm, Kaylen kept crying. ( due to her severe condition we couldn't let her cry for a long time bc her heart got weaker) I was watching tv & Andy playing video games after I tried feeding her & held her standing up trying to calm her down I realized it didn't soothe her so I yelled at my hubby & told him to come help me bc I knew something was wrong & Kaylen wouldn't stop crying. While j was watching tv I heard a voice very clearly tell me "Gisela, go grab your bible & read it" I think it was God preparing me for what was going to happen.Andy rushed & checked to see if she peed or if she was constipated so he helped her with her exercises but that made her cry even more like if she was in a lot of pain. Andy stepped outside for a while with Kaylen to get fresh air as soon as they were coming in we decided to take her to Choc. As soon as he stepped one foot inside the house i saw her chest & it seemed like her heart was pumping way too fast, I can see her shirt moving with the movement. Andy heard a snap coming from Kaylen's chest, she felt hard & lifeless. He recalls seeing something fly out of her as soon as he heard the snap, it was her soul going to heaven. I called 911 while Andy & my dad did CPR trying to bring her back. I went outside to wait for the ambulance, I felt so desperate trying to find a way to bring my baby back to life, but just couldn't! After a couple compressions Kaylen began to breathe & cry again! It seemed like the ambulance took forever to get there. & when they got there they asked endless questions I was getting frustrated! Can't they just take her already!!! Before anything else happens grrr I went to my room grabbed my bible & left sitting on the passenger side of the ambulance while Andy laid in the back holding baby Kaylen. I remember how peaceful I was, god gave me strength even though I knew my baby prob wouldn't make it. Kaylen was still crying, I can perfectly hear her cry right now, within seconds the loud cry began to get fainter & fainter until I was barely able to hear it. As soon as we arrived to Choc she stopped breathing again! Doctors & nurses rushed to give her compressions. After so many tries, the doctor told me there was nothing they can do, her heart was too weak now & she was only able to survive for a bit with compressions. I began to cry like no other! I was sitting down which was good or else I would've fallen to the floor & God knows what. I cried then I controlled myself, my mom was right next to me trying to help me but she couldn't stop crying either. It was our whole family in a room holding Kaylen's lifeless body. After I cried I felt God's presence & strength overwhelm my body. He certainly is my strength & refuge! If it weren't for Him I'm sure I wouldn't be here right now. Losing a child is the hardest/ toughest/ worst feeling anyone especially a mother could ever feel! My husband has been a great support as well, he hugs me when I cry & sometimes we cry together while trying to go to sleep at night. He has never abandoned me, he knows how to make me smile & lifts me up when I am weak! Thank you Andy, I honestly couldn't ask God for a better husband & father! You are amazing & a true blessing in my life I love you so much! Kaylen is very lucky to have a daddy like you even though I still think you're too strict lol 

Kaylen & baby Morales #2

I'm excited for this pregnancy & the 6 or so months left of it. I've been feeling nauseas & having not only morning sickness but All day sickness lol I only throw up in the am when I'm brushing my teeth. This pregnancy does feel different than my first, of course I know every pregnancy is different but my symptoms are very different. With Kaylen I didn't feel nauseas all day, it was just morning sickness & my acne completely went away, which was wonderful! I kept myself very busy with school, internship, & my favorite- prenatal yoga!!! I can't wait to go back to Soul at Home & begin with prenatal yoga classes. I've been watching my weight by trying to eat healthy, taking walks, doing yoga, & going to the gym so I don't get fat or gain too much weight during & post pregnancy & hopefully I stay a size 3 lol 

Since the moment I knew I was pregnant, the week of Kaylen's birthday which was the best present we could receive! I had the feeling it's a Boy, it's not a for sure yet because they haven't told us the sex, but hopefully we'll find out Aug 27th, can't wait!!! I am 13 weeks & 1 day pregnant today, I will post a pic. Back to finding the sex, I've always wanted a little brother & never had one :( so I always wanted a son. God blessed me with a gorgeous baby girl, who is is heaven & I would love a boy. Andy wants another girl of course & I mean we do have all pink stuff most of it brand new from Kaylen. Ultimately, we know God's plans are greater than ours & whatever the gender is we will receive him or her with wide open arms & give him/her lots & lots of kisses! 

We already have names chosen for our baby! We've had the boy name in mind since before I was even pregnant with Kaylen: Landyn Josiah Morales, but we are changing the middle name which means God supports to Kaleb, means faithfulness just like his big sister & it sounds similar to Kaylen. Daddy wants middle name to be Brock, I don't like it but we'll see. If its a girl for sure her middle name will be Hope or Grace & we're still not sure about the 1st name, our first option so far is Khloe. 

Love you baby Landyn or Khloe! Mommy & daddy can't wait to meet you!!!

2 months, almost 3! <3