11 Month Birthday in Heaven

2 more days and my baby Kaylen Faith would be turning 11 months. I would have everything ready for her 1st birthday, a very big party of course celebrating & thanking God for her first year after so much we have been through (would be 3 open heart surgeries by this time). I always ask myself, "How would my life be if Kay Kay was still tangibly here?" I would like to think it would be happier, but my baby's heart condition was very severe, she still needed at least 2 more open heart surgeries (after the 2 she already had) and possibly a heart transplant so then I ask myself, "Would my baby be suffering?" I hated seeing her connected to so many machines, every day was a new day and many with bad news. I will never forget her beautiful smile and I will never forget her cry. Not the normal cry or reason why any child would cry, this cry was different. It was a cry of starvation, my husband and I received orders from the doctors to not feed her for one whole day, AT ALL! My reaction was (excuse my language) "Are you F^&*ing kidding me, my breasts are full of breast milk & I can't feed my own baby?" This was one of the worst days ever, seeing my baby cry of hunger, hour after hours & I couldn't do anything about it. This was the longest night ever (we basically lived at CHOC), we stayed up the whole night, mostly my husband because I cried myself to sleep I couldn't stand the pain she was going through because as a mother I felt her pain and I wish I could absorb the pain away from her and place it in me.  I remember holding her next to me and she began rooting towards my breast as if she wanted to eat. I felt like a horrible mother, my husband even told me to giver her a little, but I had to follow the doctor's orders because according to them that was the only way we would find out if that was the cause to her positive stools with blood. I now feel at peace because I know the Lord has my baby in his hands and she is very happy smiling, just like in my mom's dream. Kaylen Faith, I will never forget your beautiful smile, your large eyes always so alert of your surroundings since the day you were born, you have tremendously changed my world forever I now see and treasure things like I never had before. Yes, I still cry and miss you daily but I feel stronger and more comfort knowing that the day we reunite is getting closer and closer. I love you with all my heart Kaylen, you will always be remembered and never forgotten for many many generations, this I promise you. I love you & good night my love!