Labor Day

It was on this day that we held you alive in our arms for the last time. I perfectly remember Labor Day of 2012, my family & my husband's got together for a carne asada at my parents house. This morning I noticed something different about you (Kaylen) you weren't moving as much, you weren't smiling as often, I felt you weaker, you were sleepier & like something was wrong. If you're a mother you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's a motherly instinct. I wanted to call Choc to ask but I asked my mother & she said I would sleep a lot too, I was still worried but I didn't want to think of anything negative. I asked my mother in law & she said she looked fine. This was a moment where I shouldn't have listened to what they told me but follow my own instincts & take my baby to Choc right away! I guess I was in denial, it's very easy to be in denial when you don't want to face the truth & think that your baby dying any moment. I thought to myself, "she survived both surgeries already, she's fine, she already went through the hard part". Oh boy was I wrong! we still enjoyed this day, we all held her, I bathed her & kissed her so many times. 

Here's the hard part: her last breath. I haven't told a lot of people how she died, but here it goes. I'm ready to share this with you.

It was around 9pm, Kaylen kept crying. ( due to her severe condition we couldn't let her cry for a long time bc her heart got weaker) I was watching tv & Andy playing video games after I tried feeding her & held her standing up trying to calm her down I realized it didn't soothe her so I yelled at my hubby & told him to come help me bc I knew something was wrong & Kaylen wouldn't stop crying. While j was watching tv I heard a voice very clearly tell me "Gisela, go grab your bible & read it" I think it was God preparing me for what was going to happen.Andy rushed & checked to see if she peed or if she was constipated so he helped her with her exercises but that made her cry even more like if she was in a lot of pain. Andy stepped outside for a while with Kaylen to get fresh air as soon as they were coming in we decided to take her to Choc. As soon as he stepped one foot inside the house i saw her chest & it seemed like her heart was pumping way too fast, I can see her shirt moving with the movement. Andy heard a snap coming from Kaylen's chest, she felt hard & lifeless. He recalls seeing something fly out of her as soon as he heard the snap, it was her soul going to heaven. I called 911 while Andy & my dad did CPR trying to bring her back. I went outside to wait for the ambulance, I felt so desperate trying to find a way to bring my baby back to life, but just couldn't! After a couple compressions Kaylen began to breathe & cry again! It seemed like the ambulance took forever to get there. & when they got there they asked endless questions I was getting frustrated! Can't they just take her already!!! Before anything else happens grrr I went to my room grabbed my bible & left sitting on the passenger side of the ambulance while Andy laid in the back holding baby Kaylen. I remember how peaceful I was, god gave me strength even though I knew my baby prob wouldn't make it. Kaylen was still crying, I can perfectly hear her cry right now, within seconds the loud cry began to get fainter & fainter until I was barely able to hear it. As soon as we arrived to Choc she stopped breathing again! Doctors & nurses rushed to give her compressions. After so many tries, the doctor told me there was nothing they can do, her heart was too weak now & she was only able to survive for a bit with compressions. I began to cry like no other! I was sitting down which was good or else I would've fallen to the floor & God knows what. I cried then I controlled myself, my mom was right next to me trying to help me but she couldn't stop crying either. It was our whole family in a room holding Kaylen's lifeless body. After I cried I felt God's presence & strength overwhelm my body. He certainly is my strength & refuge! If it weren't for Him I'm sure I wouldn't be here right now. Losing a child is the hardest/ toughest/ worst feeling anyone especially a mother could ever feel! My husband has been a great support as well, he hugs me when I cry & sometimes we cry together while trying to go to sleep at night. He has never abandoned me, he knows how to make me smile & lifts me up when I am weak! Thank you Andy, I honestly couldn't ask God for a better husband & father! You are amazing & a true blessing in my life I love you so much! Kaylen is very lucky to have a daddy like you even though I still think you're too strict lol